| it's been three years, one month, & seven days since i met you |
[January 23, 2009 @ 1:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
it's some twisted strange thing, the way i still love you. i knew it would happen & i knew it would be different than before but i don't know what i want from you because of it. do i want some remnant of you loving me akin to mine when it's been two years since it died & 1 1/2 since it was over? or do i just want your friendship. it's so hard to tell when before they were tied always.
funny how a boy who's now a man can change if he seeks me out based on a comment by a surprised mutual friend. i haven't really talked to you since, but it's not in an insulting manner. my how you've changed. nothing used to matter to you before.
we accept each other & we like each other to some extent as people but i feel i'll never be certain if we're friends when truly you're the only one who matters to me more than my life, at least from before. i'll always care about you.
i bought you a small christmas present this year, the same one as always but you do enjoy it so.
when i could do it before, out of desperation from my feelings still being there when yours were not, i could always give it to you.
i was too afraid to give it to you.
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[January 15, 2009 @ 8:08pm] |
oh, i should probably also mention i'm in college now (art ed/bfa with a concentration in sculpture dual) & the body modifications have exploded. i'm also looking into apprenticing with jason morningstar back home to become a piercer if he can take me on. hopefully we can work something out to deal with me being in albany for college but i'll probably have to wait until i graduate.
mods:
2ga first lobes
standard 18ga seconds
16ga rook
16ga snug
14ga inverse navel
20ga nostril
2 12ga microdermals in sternum
4 12ga microdermals in hips
14ga tongue web
16ga antitragus
16ga frontal helix/ 14ga rook (will be a rook/helix orbital when healed)
14ga vch
maybe pictures later?
intended:
memorial tattoo for ben (probably waiting until graduation to make it more significant)
eleanor roosevelt quote tattoo
doppleganger fetuses/magnolia/dandelion scarification
probably more scarifications
2 microdermals vertically above my left ankle
microdermal imitating the top of a christina
venoms
some sort of tattoo/microdermal combination on my feet or back
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| it's been a long time |
[January 15, 2009 @ 7:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
& i've changed a lot....
well, at least in there's no longer any of the things i used to write about. my apologies if you decide to read it, it was where i went to vent & figure things out so there tends to be your standard pathetic teenage crap & most of it was lyrics anyway it seems.
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[December 27, 2007 @ 11:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 envious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rock my body by the higher |
] |
i am lonely
it's funny, i don't mind, it isn't cold
but it is hollow
i'm far from empty but it is as though there is this chamber in the hollow below my collarbone on the right side
strange, i know
but in some absurd way it is comforting
being in love is an absurdity of its own, i still cannot comprehend all it encircles
to be in love, still, after so long
that can only be described as even more absurd
but i am
i do, i still love the fool. to the point of i smile when i call him one, just as i did almost two years ago when i first realized that he wanted to kiss me and i wouldn't mind.
i can still remember those lips, when i see his hands i die.
there is something so rough and coarse about his nature, yet the way he moves is so strong, so refined and elegant. he is graceful in a way and it scares me. everytime i see him move out of the corner of my eye, not because i'm looking but because noticing him is instinct, everytime i feel i fall in love with him again.
i love him still, but it is a distant love, a numb love if that makes any sense.
i do not doubt i feel the same way about him still. but one becomes conditioned after a while of no interaction, or worse, of being denied, neglected, and rejected to no longer desire such things. kiss him? i know i'd feel the same as before if it happened but it won't and i understand that. i don't want it to happen. that's how intense the conditioning is, i'm motherfucking pavlo's dog. i don't even care to touch him or have him look at me as before. it is a foreign concept. and that is why i'm lonely. because i miss him yet i am so detached i do not want such contact with any not even he i love.
god, i sound like a melodramatic fool. worse; a melodramatic angsty teen filled with boy drama. how i wish i was.
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| From Now On - Kill Hannah |
[December 02, 2007 @ 7:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Battle Song - Vaeda |
] |
We collided head-on
And they said that we would not live very long
I knew you were my love
But they laughed
'Cause we were just too young to know
But from now on
I'm waiting for you
From now on
I'm waiting for you
You you tore me apart
Broke all of my bones
And shot through my heart
I always used to pretend
That the hero really gets the girl in the end
But from now on
I'm waiting for you
From now on
I'm waiting for you
But tonight, I'm crazy like a teenage dream!
Alive, but buried now or so it seems!
Surprise!
(Don't cover your eyes)
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[October 02, 2007 @ 7:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 distressed |
] |
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
'Love is watching someone die'
And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep
i miss you
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| random |
[September 20, 2007 @ 5:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
cant you see you hurt me sooo
but why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why?
things could be better, you can be happy, try.
so, honestly, how could you say those things
when you know they don't mean anything
and you know very well that i can't
keep my hands to myself, hands to myself
this is all wrong and it shows
there's certain things i promised not to let you know,
you've got this silly way
of keeping me on the edge of my seat
and i'm miserable, oh
you've got me right where you want me
lets never talk. lets never talk, lets never
lets never talk about this again because...
i didn't want it to mean that much to me
i didn't want it to mean that much to me
i didn't want it to mean that much to me
i didn't want it to mean that much to me
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[July 31, 2007 @ 12:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
i am getting everything i need--almost. i've got everything i need, almost, but i dont got you, and you're the thing i need the most.
Girl, I had got to thinking
you're my only tragedy.
I"m haunted by your face.
Girl, I won't leave you lonely
my hearat beats for you only
at night I call your name.
All of my life
I've been searching for the words that make me fit in right
with someone like you.
Boy, I reached out to no one
but inside I knew that someone
would see just who I am.
All of my life
I've been searching for the words that me fit in right
with someone like you.
I'm not what I seem
whatever that may be.
I'll leave you waiting
Girl, I don't want to bother
but my heart is sinking farther
down to where you are.
Boy, I just think you're crazy
what would you do if if maybe
you had a girl like me
All of my life
I've been searching for the words that make me fit in right
with someone like you.
All of my dreams are tearing at the seams.
I want to but I fight it all with someone like you. |
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[July 28, 2007 @ 11:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
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[March 28, 2007 @ 6:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Runaways (Anberlin) |
] |
i think i'm starting to feel beautiful again
life is good
stress is fine
art is love
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[March 19, 2007 @ 8:44pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i feel beautiful now, by in reverant fear |
] |
i used to feel beautiful
all the time
but for the past few months, i've just felt ugly
i know it's not true
i know
whatever
that's how i feel
things haven't been so good
but that's not what really matters
things don't feel the same between us anymore
but i love him
he loves me
and that's all we need
we're crazy enough to be crazy for each other
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| in 2006... |
[January 01, 2007 @ 4:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
here in your arms (hellogoodbye) |
] |
i confess that in 2006 i...
( ) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
(x) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
(x) made-out in/on a car
(x) kissed in the snow
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) fell in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
( ) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
(x) had a good relationship with someone
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant ..
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(i wish) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
(x) kissed someone of the same sex
(x) dated someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
WORK/SCHOOL
( ) got a promotion
(x) got a pay raise
(x) changed jobs
( ) lost your job
(x) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
(x) found the subject you love
(x) failed a class
(x) cut class
( ) skipped school
(x) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
(x) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
(x) embaressed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
(x) made a junior varsity team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget
(x) got sent to the office
OTHER
( ) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(X) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
( )skinny-dipped
(X) went to a sleepover
( ) went to camp
( ) threw a surprise party
(X) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(X) flirted shamelessly
( ) visited a foreign country
(x) visted a foreign state
( ) cooked a disasterous meal
(x) lost something important to you
(x) got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
( ) went on a diet
(x) tried to gain weight
(x) dyed your hair
(x) came close to losing your life
(x) someone close to you died
(x)went to a party
(x) drank alchohol
(x) drank alchohol underage
( ) did (a) drug(s)
( ) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(X) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
( ) saw your favorite band/artist live
( ) saw someone famous in person
(x) did something you want to tell everyone
(x) Enjoyed this year overall sorta.
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| snow |
[December 19, 2006 @ 3:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 morose |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
non-toxic (sr-71) |
] |
there's a light dusting falling from the sky
so beautiful
so pure
just frozen water, it means no harm it makes me feel dead and empty and hollow let there be a downpour
maybe then it will all be right do you see what you've done?
the asthetic has shriveled and metastasized in your wake
are you laughing where ever the hell you are?
or are these your tears
because when it snowed then it was when you were gone
are you full of sorrow?
do you regret?
smile, friend
the time for tears is past
we will always love you
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[December 10, 2006 @ 10:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
muscle is nice
but i prefer hearing your heartbeat perfectly
iloveyou
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| oh yes, i'm cool. survey time! |
[December 10, 2006 @ 7:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giddy |
] |
200. my name is: Sarah
199. I was born on: 9/22
198. I am a: freak of nature
197. My eye color is: brown on the inside, green on the outside
195. My shoe size is: 7.5
194. My ring size is: 7
193. My favorite color is: silver, grey, brown, black, olive, tan
192. My height is: 5'7.5"
191. I'm allergic to: sulfa
190. I live in: a place more tolerable than everyone else seems to believe, but boring as hell non the less
189. The last book I read: art geeks and prom queens, because i like cheesy teen novels. suck it up.
188. My bed time is: to parents? 10. reality? whenever i fall asleep on the phone talking to jim
187. First Screen name?: *palmface* not going there
186. Current Screen name?: you should probably know this. or i'd give it to you if you'd ask
179. My favorite Holiday is: may 3rd/4th
178. The perfect kiss is: deperate and fierce, well, not necessarily, i just like the wording. any of his.
177. The last three cd's I have listened to are: don't know, don't know, greatest hits-guns n roses
176. Last song that made me cry was?: paint this town red
172. My most treasured possession(s) is: knowing how we are
170. What did you do last night: worked 6-10. called jim, he didn't answer so i fell asleep. woke up at about 2:21 and called him. THEN he was awake to answer. *shakes head and smiles*
167. My skin's reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): tan and then the freckles on my nose and cheeks show up stronger
==============================
:::::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::::
===============================
143. Santa: no
142. Love at First Sight: screw whatever you think, i do
141. Luck: in coincidence
140. Fate: nopes
139. God: doesn't matter
138. Aliens: we are not the only intelligent lifeforms in the massive universe/s. wait, did i say we were intelligent?
137. Heaven: at times
136. Hell: not quite
135. Ghosts: nopes
134. Horoscopes: they use broad characteristics which could apply to anyone
133. Soul mates: mhmmm
:::::Which is Better?:::::
====================
129. Hugs or Kisses: both at same time
128. Drunk or High: neither, thank you
127. Phone or online: phone, but online is quicker
126. Red heads or Brown hair: brown hair. almost black brown is best
125. Blondes or Brunette: varies on the person
124. Lamb and tuna or peanut butter and jelly: neither
123. Pool or darts: pool. i have very bad aim when i throw things
122: Sci-fi or horror: sci-fi
121: Boys or girls: not quite sure of this question's intentions
120. Night or Day: night
119. Oranges or Apples: kiwis
118. Curly or Straight hair: curly
==========================
:::::What comes to your head ?:::::
==========================
117. Scary: meep
115. Backstabber: people...
116: Parents: college is only about a year and a half away
110. School: sleep
=================
:::::Last time?::::::::
=================
103. Missed someone: now
102. Hugged someone: willingly? jim
101. Seen someone you haven't seen in awhile: DYC. multiple someones
==========
::::MISC.::::
==========
90. Who's the ditziest person you know?: i think we all know who she is.
89. Who makes you laugh the most: mercedes? jim? caitie? colleen? liz? i dunno
87. One thing I'm mad about right now: college is so damn far away. and i do not have near enough stuff for my portfolio
83. The last movie I saw in the theater was?: accepted?
82. Ever ate sushi: no
79a. The one thing I love about the opposite sex: no pms. and you can look like shit and they think it's fine
78. This summer: was quite fun
77. Next year will be: art classes galore. freaking about college money and portfolio.
76. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: seeing jim everyday at school. free food, private-ish bathroom. a few friends.
75. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most is: being at college. meaning, not here.
========================
::::::what are you doing?:::::::
========================
71. Tomorrow: work
72. Today: slacking off
71. Next Summer: NYSSA. if i'm lucky. and actually have a decent porfolio to get in. gotta love photography.
70. Next month: working school being a stressed out freak
====================
:::MISC:::::(CONTINUED)
====================
64. The person I have been good friends with the longest: kitty kat
62. The person who knows the most about me is: jim
61. The person that can read me the best is: jim
60. The most difficult thing to do is: control my temper, not freak out too often
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: never
58. I ate: junk
56. My zodiac sign is: virgo/libra. born on the cusp
55. The first person I was in love with: jim
54. Who do you feel most comfortable with: jim
53.The person who can't hide anything from you?: jim i guess
What happened to 52-49? w/e
48. I have a job: babysitting people from my school when they go swimming and making sure they don't have sex in the sauna or hot tub. oh, and keeping people from drowning if i'm lucky
47. I have (a) pet(s): ...not anymore...
46. I hope: i can afford college and get into buffstate
45. The worst sound in the world: suffering at a friends suicide
44. The person that made me cry the most is: no comment
43. Have you ever done drugs?: no
33. My favorite piece of clothing is?: don't really have one
32. My favorite sport is: heh
31. Last time I cried: i don't even know for sure
28. The church I attend: st joes
27. Last person I got mad at: family? myself? everyone but jim?
26. My worst experience: is something that never should be experienced by anyone
22. The all-time best movie is: probably one i haven't seen
21. The all-time best thing in the world is: art, love, and him
20. So, about them Canadians: i'm moving there i swear to god
19. The most annoying thing ever is: those annoying girls who think they're so "hott". especially the ones who are only 13 and try and tell us they're 16 so they can go in the hot tub. wtf? you don't even have a hint of a body yet girlies, and all that makeup isn't fooling us.
18. The most annoying person you know is: there are so many to chose from
17. I lose all respect for people who: go back on their word
16. I hate: being without him
15. I Like: sleeping, being an art geek, being young and in love
14. My Favorite Day is: irrelevant
13. My Favorite Month is: september i guess. gets me out of the house
12. My Favorite band is: no clue. changes far too often.
11. The worst pain I ever felt: so many different types. foot, back, ben, love, hatred, not having enough
10. My favorite Quote: a woman reading playboy feels a little like a jew reading a nazi manual. - gloria steinem
9. My room: chaos
8. My favorite actress/actor is: don't have one
7. My weakness: only one person is allowed to know them. and does he ever like exploiting them XP
6. Who do you like: myself. oh yes, i am egotistical. deal
5. Cats?: supposedly me
4. What turns me on: nothing you need to know
3. Who broke your heart: literature and sellouts
2. I filled out [less than] 200 questions because: it didn't have all the goddamn questions and i'm too lazy to make up my own
1. What do you dislike about yourself?: temper is far too extreme
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[December 07, 2006 @ 8:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 infuriated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
never again (the penfifteen club) |
] |
"All the PAIN, all the PLEASURE, all the GUILT, all the HAPPINESS, all the ANGER, all the TEARS, all the TENDERNESS,
all the SADNESS,
all the CRAZINESS, all the ENERGY, all the FEELINGS, all the IMPULSES, all the EMOTIONS
ALL THE LIFE Risk All
Mountain Trail
Lone Wolf and as long as she is happy...
I will be gotta get her off my mind"
you stole his depression
you stole his symptoms
wasn't that enough
did you have to go and do this
did you have to steal his words
his rhythms, his pauses
this is HIS
not yours
it's practically verbatim
you trashed it for him in that moment he read your psuedo words
you trashed it for me
this is HIS
for ME
for HIMSELF
it was never for you
it never will be
rob us all of our dignity
rob us all of our strengths
go ahead, pretend they are your fucking own
truth bleeds through when the act rusts away
and nothing is so ugly
don't steal what you can not comprehend
don't steal how he expresses himself
don't you DARE steal something that means so much to him
FUCK YOU
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| dictum concerning loss of faith in you for the final time pt 1 |
[December 06, 2006 @ 9:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
it's over
you have got to realize how pathetic you're looking right now
can you not see how your "perfect" little fucked up world is unraveling
we are noticing more than ever before
we are seeing more than ever before
we are all sick of you, just on varying levels
give it up
your life is a lie
it may not have been perfect
but it was damn better than so many others
you lied to me then, or you lied to me now
or, such a long leap, you've always lied to me, and always will
the old you was most sincere, since then falsity
i hope you're proud
eventually you will have nothing left
your life is stolen from others
your problems were never your own
you STRIPPED US of any honesty and respect that was ours
you created a fucked up world composed of our worst
you started with me
with my darkness, my black hole
you took it, a pure yet dirty thing, and thieved away it's authenticity
you stole what little grace i had
LIES, it became LIES
worthless SHIT
"face of an angel"
well i say
soul of nothing
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[December 06, 2006 @ 9:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nerdy |
] |
they worked!
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[December 06, 2006 @ 8:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 scared |
] |
huh
i'm a moron, i forgot to insert the commands
just a week and a half more and we'll know
FEARcontrols
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] |
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